A Step of Faith

A while back my fantastic homestudy social worker asked if I would write up something about Maria's adoption and reference her services for their annual report. I happen to have one of the best homestudy social workers and quickly agreed. This week, much to my surprise, in the mail was a copy of their annual report with Maria's story in it. A couple people have asked to read it, so I'm going to put it up on the blog.

 

A step of faith. That is what my decision to adopt Maria was. My dossier had been registered a year June 2011 with the country of Bulgaria for a healthy as possible toddler. Then Maria's picture and medical came in an email. Honestly, I had seen her before and always been drawn to her.....but I wanted to adopt a toddler that was healthy. I wasn't ready to consider adopting an older child with special needs. Seeing her picture this time was different.....I knew I could parent her, I could just see her in my life and home. I discussed the possibility with my family and much to my surprise they were open and positive to this possibility. After much thought and prayer, I knew this girl was suppose to be my daughter. I formally committed to adopting Maria in July 2011.

After updating my homestudy to reflect Maria's age and special needs, I was finally able to go to Bulgaria to meet her just before Christmas. Being in Bulgaria was a bit surreal in the moment. Traveling with a good friend and fellow adoptive mom helped keep me grounded during the trip and visits. I will always remember the moment during the first visit that Maria was told I wanted to be her mom. She had always asked the adults in her life, if there would ever be a family that wanted her. When she heard I wanted to be her mom, she had the biggest smile and look of wonder in her face. She had waited 11 years to have a mom, to be a part of a family. The visits with Maria were wonderful. She was a sweet and charming girl, who was interested in everything. She loved looking at pictures and wanted to know everyone's name. During my visits I was also able to learn more about her Spina Bifida, although it would take bringing her home and talking with specialist here to realize what a miracle she really is.

The 6 months following my first trip were some of the slowest I can remember....6 months of waiting for signatures, a court date and for the much anticipated travel dates. On June 25th 2012, I went to Maria's orphanage in Stara Zagora, Bulgaria and got my daughter. I wish I could tell you it was a happy experience....it was hard. I was taking Maria from the only home she had ever known, from the people she loved and who loved her, from her best friend. On too of all that, her best friend was being transferred to a different orphanage at the same time I was picking up Maria. It was HARD! Over our week in Bulgaria Maria quickly attached to me. She knew how to attach to adults, she knew what loving bonds looked like, the psychologist at her orphanage had worked with her about family roles so she knew what to expect. It was amazing to see her come out of her shell, become playful and show her true self.

Once we finally were home we started having communication through Skype, Facebook and email with staff and people who she knew from her time in the orphanage. It was one of the best decisions I made. It helped her to transition better to home, knowing I was supportive of her relationships and would allow her to continue having a connection to her old life. Because of continuing these relationships Maria rarely grieves leaving the orphanage. She is able to know that she is still loved and remembered by the people she still loves. There is rarely a day that goes by that we don't talk about someone from her orphanage. In fact we even visited one of her friends from the orphanage who has also bed adopted over the summer.

Maria has blossomed in other ways too. She was a child who had never really walked outside before or on slick surfaces. She walks all over the place now and managed the snow and ice well. Yes, there are times and places she needs her wheelchair, but she chooses to walk most of the time. She is so smart and continues to make gains in school while maintaining her first language. She is interested in sports (something that would never have been a possibility in Bulgaria). We are hoping go try wheelchair racing.

Throughout the whole process of Maria's adoption one of my biggest supports was my homestudy social worker Jan from YHFS. Jan didn't question my decision to adopt Maria. She trusted my decision and wanted to know about Maria. She was always excited about updates. The process and learning about who Maria was. She was good about talking about issues when they came up and was extremely supportive of Maria's continued relationship with her former caretakers. I'm not sure I would have made it through the adoption process without Jan's support.

Maria is such a joy. She is loved by so many people and has a light about her that draws people in. She is sensitive and caring, but also so strong.....she was born with Myelomeningocele Spina Bifida at the T12 level. She should be paralyzed from the belly button down, but she isn't. She shouldn't be able to walk, but she does and she can walk up and down stairs. She should have hydrocephalus and have a shunt, but she doesn't. She should have learning disabilities, but she doesn't. Yes, there are times when her disability is difficult....she has had 3 surgeries since coming home. But through it all she is a normal happy, loving and sometimes moody almost 13 year old. She is also excitedly waiting for her best friend from the orphanage to come to the US....yes, we helped find her best friend a family and he should be in Texas in the next 4-6 months.

 

 

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Older child adoption

I will be honest, somehow I lucked out with adopting Maria.  She is an amazing, sweet girl who was greatly loved in her orphanage.  No, it wasn't the same as having a family...but she did have adults there who cared for her, they still care for her and love her.  I have not gone through power struggles or manipulation like many families have had to deal with.....I have not seen an adoptive parent's worst nightmare of RAD (I know several families who have children with RAD, who are wonderful with them).  Because Maria has fit so well and hasn't really grieved, I have had those expected experiences.  I haven't had to seek additional help for adjusting or give difficult consequences due to behaviors...seriously the worst consequence Maria gets is an early bedtime or missing out on an activity as a natural consequence.

But there is another side to older child adoption....one that isn't so happy.  A friend who is a single mom is in need of help.  She is a first time mom to a 12 year old adopted 5 months ago.  This child is wanted, but is struggling to adjust.  The mom has tried everything recommended to her and nothing is helping her daughter.  Just recently I learned how bad the situation is....out of respect I'm not going to share the details.  Doctors and therapist in this family's life have recommended a very specific and intensive therapeutic treatment.  Sadly this treatment is most likely not going to be covered  by insurance.  The mom has set up a site to raise part of the funds needed to make sure the daughter that she loves and has fought for will finally get the emotional healing that she needs.  Please consider helping them
 http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/funding-for-therapy

Journey of the Heart

I would like to introduce you to two of Maria and Zack's friends....S (in yellow) and J (in jean jacket). When I picked Maria up over a year ago I heard these boys' names everyday! They were her friends who had moved onto the older children's orphanage in Stara Zagora. They too were favorites, well loved by many. They too were kids who were rejected due to differbilities beyond their control. S, a sweet and quiet boy who loves those who love him. J an amazing fighter who defied the odds time and time again.
After a family step forward for Zack last fall, my focus went to helping Maria's other friends. Our friend Manuela asked if it would be possible to find them families too. Another adoptive mom and I had chatted a lot about these boys, because her daughter was in the same group with them. This amazing mom, felt that both J and S were suppose to be in their family...however, her husband was not at the point where he was ready to adopt again. We started talking with an NGO and discovered that the boys were not on the waiting child list. This started a 10 month ordeal of trying to get the boys on the list. Everything came to a head in February when a human rights activist, who was helping attempted to get some answers from the local social service agency. What started off as a horrible experience that day ended up with both files being sent complete within 24 hours. It was a major victory! But it still took several more months for the boys to be registered. S was registered this summer and J was registered in September.
The NGO who had worked so hard to get the boys registered had been told she would be allowed to request their files first. She was able to get S's file, but due to a small mistake J's file went to a different NGO. I was so upset.....since these boys were little they have always been together....they really are like brothers. My dream, wish and hope was that they would continue to be able to be brothers. I shared the boys with many people....still hoping that my friend's husband would see them as his sons. As the month went by...no one requested S's file, my friend was at the point of giving up.
One night on FB, my friend messaged me that all hope was lost on her husband. He had said no and nothing was going to change his mind. Not even 5 minutes later her husband had messaged her to look at the boys files again and said if she could explain out all the logistics to him then he would consider it. We didn't dare to hope, but prayed instead. A few days later I got the message that her husband had emailed the NGO to see the files of more children. They plan to bring home J, S and another boy!
We have been so excited that J and S are not only going to have the family they deserve, but also will be reunited with their friend who will be their sister. My friend and I talk about reuniting the Stara Zagora five and what a reunion that will be. Adopting older children can be a huge challenge for many different reasons, but it can also be rewarding. I have already seen Maria reunite with one friend....I can't imagine what it will be like for all five of these kids to come together again!

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School and Medical

Yesterday was the end of the first quarter at Maria's school. I get many questions about how she does at school. She is in a full inclusion school. She has an IEP only for her physical mobility with some adult assistance to ensure she is safely moving around the building. Maria only got around a month of ESL/ELL services last year before I pulled her from the program. Honestly, what the teacher was doing, wasn't going to help her at all. She continues to not have these services. Considering she has never taken standardized tests till last year, she has made some good progress. She grew in reading and math over the summer and continues to grow. She is in a supplemental reading group called Reading Blitz and doing well. She actually tested at the high end of it. This year has been different for me too....part of my work assignment is Maria's school. This has positives and negatives....it is great that I know what is happening with her, but it also know when something isn't happening when it should. The later actually happened the other week....it is hard when the law isn't being followed for your kid. The situation was resolved quickly, although I'm sure it won't be the last time something like this happens. Taking a step back....kids with disabilities present differently. So many times kids with physical disabilities have multiple impairments...Maria does not. Because she is as smart as she is, sometimes special teachers (such as PE) don't realize that she is being excluded. It is part of our reality and something I'm staying on top of. As for grades at the end of the first quarter Maria has 5 As and 3 Bs...all the Bs are due to bombing tests that included vocabulary terms and definitions. She is doing great! Although her little perfectionist self cries over every B and has even said "Bs are not good enough for me."

Yesterday we also went to see the Spina Bifida specialist. This was our yearly visit....Maria has gained 2 inches in a year and her weight is stable. We had a great visit and did a lot of talking about where Maria is and her SB. The doctor was thrilled with how Maria is doing and said we don't have to visit for 2 years. This was great news! At that point Maria will be almost 15, and we will be thinking about transitioning toward adulthood and more independence....WOW, I'm not ready for that, but I know it will come sooner than I am ready for. She continues to amaze me and her doctors....I can't wait to see what the next two years bring for her.

 

 

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Happenings

Ever have exciting news that you just want to scream and celebrate about...but have to wait? I do and I cannot wait to share!

Otherwise, we are waiting for the track clinic in Chicago next month....I think a few other adoptive families are planning to meet up with us too. Super excited about Maria getting this opportunity.

Maria is making good grades...right now we are getting close to the end of the first quarter and she is getting mostly A's and a B....although that could change a little. Can't say she is a fan of homework, but she does try hard.

Maria continues to improve all the time with her English, although she is quick to point out how much English words do not make sense.

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Weekend

I think it must get asked 50 questions a day by Maria. There are moments I manage the questions better than others. Today we had a fun outing with my mom....going to pick out a new kitten for my parents. While we were waiting on my mom, Maria asked me "Why do people only want babies and little kids and kittens?" I started with explaining to Maria how animals do better of adjusting to new environments when they are younger and can fit in better with the animals already there. I then explained to her in some ways it is the same with younger kids. I also told her that not all moms and dads who are adopting are ready for older kid problems. I explained that some kids who come home have problems like smoking, drinking and fighting....and not all parents know how to deal with those things. She seemed to understand and proceeded with the excitement of a new furry friend.....or as it ended up friends....2 kittens, a brother and sister are making their new home with my parents. Maria was thrilled to have one of the kittens sleeping on her lap on the way home. And she is asking every few hours to go and visit the kittens.

Also, this weekend was the Walk n Roll for Spina Bifida. The people with SB had blue star balloons on their chairs, bikes and other things to show who we were doing this for. Great time seeing so many friends. I think the best thing was seeing Maria come even more out of her shell! She was racing ahead of me to talk to people. I had to catch up with her on more than one occasion! I even had one of the older college age kiddos tell me that Maria had a whole conversation with her on her own....this is huge! Maria really looks up to this girl and would never talk to her unless I really prompted her and this weekend she had a conversation without prompts at all. The girl had to ask me what happened, she was so shocked too. Also making plans with our adaptive sports leader for the NJDC this coming summer....he thinks Maria can qualify for wheelchair racing if we start doing some training now and she would be his only althelete in this age group and classification for racing. We are excited and hoping the track clinic next month will teach us both a lot of what we need to know....now just to get that racing chair......anyone want to give me $3200 for a new racing chair? I didn't think so :)

 

 

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Spina Bifida Awareness Month

Yesterday marked the beginning of Spina Bifida awareness month! So, in honor of all the amazing people I know who live with SB...here are some facts for you.

About 8 babies in the US are born with SB each day. I have also read 1 out of 2800 births.

SB happens in the first month of pregnancy. Most often it is connected with the folic acid level in the mom.

There are 4 different types of SB. The most severe kind is Myelomeningocele (which is the kind Maria has). It most often affects the spinal cord and nerves. Kiddos with this form of SB are usually operated on within a few days of birth

Neurogenic bladder and bowel are very common with more severe kinds of SB. This means that the individual usually does not have control over their badder and/or bowels.

90% of babies born with SB live full lives into adulthood. 80% have normal intelligence. 75% play sports or engage in other activities.

Still knowing these things, it isn't the same as living with a child with SB. We face challenges and we have amazing moments. We have to think outside the box often to figure out how to do certain things. We celebrate the small success and the big ones. We have a great support system of other families with children who have SB. They understand in a way that no one else does.

So, what has my amazing girl, who happens to have SB, been up to....well, she has been home just over 15 months. She continues to be bilingual. She got all A's and 1 B+ on her first quarter grades. She had growth over the summer in the area of reading when most kids regress. She is almost a teenager....and acts like it at times. She likes her friends and is always wanting to go to school dances. She has had fun this week with homecoming and is looking forward to the Walk n Roll for SB on Saturday. We are also preparing for a track clinic in the Chicago area next month. Maria is FINALLY going to get to try a racing chair. If she likes it and is good, we will start a training program and try competing at regional meets to see if she can qualify for the Nationals which are in our state this year.

Superhero Day

Duct Tape Day

 

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