Can'ts and Too Hards

Listen to the Mustn'ts

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,

Listen to the DON'TS

Listen to the SHOULDN'TS

The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS

Listen to the NEVER HAVES

Then listen close to me-

Anything can happen, child

ANYTHING can be

~ Shel Silverstein

I love this poem.  How many times have I as adult, used one of those words with a child?  How many times did I hear them as a child?  There are other words that should be included in the poem....the CAN'TS and IT'S TOO HARD are topping my list right now.  These are words I have been hearing too frequently recently.  Maria is saying she can't do things that she can.  She is saying things are too hard for her.  She is saying she is too slow (physically, not mentally).  

It all came to the breaking point last Friday.  We were going to go the the 4th and 5th grade fun night at her school.  She needed to do her bathrooming and change prior to leaving.  This does take her more time than others, but partly is because Maria has her own unique pace at doing things, it isn't that she can't do things, it's that she chooses to dilly dally while doing certain tasks.....especially things she really doesn't want to do like bathrooming.  I have decided this is something she has to want to improve on, not something I can or should force her to do.  When she realized that it was almost time to leave she wanted me to help her get her KAFO brace back on.  I was being a nice mom and helping.....well, that is until she said it was too hard to put on the brace.  The light clicked on and I told her I couldn't help her....she can do it herself.  Well, I'm sure you can guess how well that went over....needless to say she almost missed the fun night.  The only reason we went is because she rarely gets to do things with peers outside of school.  

Since then I have been trying to encourage independence....making her do the tasks that I know she can do and helping when there is truly a need.  Helping her by not helping is VERY hard at times.  It is VERY hard to hear her cry and frustrated with something I could quickly do for her.  I remind myself time and time again that I'm thinking about the big picture...her as an independent adult.  She is showing some manipulation....trying to make me feel guilty by giving me the sad/big bottom lip look or using tears to see if I will change my mind.  Tonight she even tried getting out of writing her spelling words....ended up taking twice as long as it would have if she had just done them.  Kicker was that she even admitted she was trying to get out of writing them.  And yes, she did write them all.

So, right now we are struggling some.  It isn't fun, but it is reality.  I feel that it is my job to help Maria understand that she can do ANYTHING she wants to with the right effort.  She is smart and very capable...now just trying to get her to buy into the ANYTHINGS instead of the can'ts and too hards.  Thankfully she has a very stubborn mom and I can see the humor in the situations that she is choosing to battle over...even commenting to friends I could start a preteen version of the "Reasons my son is crying" blog.  Yup, some of them have been that silly.  I take solace in knowing that this too will pass and with God all things are possible.  One day, hopefully, Maria will look back and be able to laugh about this with me.